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When you miss God but run everywhere else.

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Dear God,

I don’t think I’ve typed up something in a while…

I know where I am: I’m lost. Floating somewhere, scattered. Distant and isolated. I know I’m drowning this feeling with distractions, this feeling of… emptiness. A deep longing for you – I know it doesn’t make sense. I know I feel this way because I miss you, I miss being in your presence, I miss resting in your loving embrace. I miss home and I miss heaven. Yet, I run everywhere else but you. I distract myself with stories and the online world and friendships with people and the world. It’s like numbing the pain – if I can call it that. Pain makes it sound like something I’m aware of, and that it’s ringing warning bells, but maybe the scarier thing is that I don’t feel it as pain. I don’t realise just how deep the wound is when I run away from you, when I reject you or forget…

Even now I feel self-conscious writing this… Why do I feel things so deeply? Am I just being melodramatic and intense? It is both a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply. Especially in a society that tells you to mistrust feelings and where logic, fact and objectivity is the pathway to truth and reality. But is it?

I feel like everywhere I run to I hit a wall. A wall of despair, of loss. I can’t seem to do anything right, and my sins are ever before me. I know all too well how much I don’t love other people, how I’m lazy, self-absorbed, prideful, judgemental… and above all not loving you and not following you and not really having you as Lord. Sure, I can go to Church and Christian events, and mean it in those places. But what about when I’m home alone, eating dinner, getting ready for bed, talking to my mum or neglecting the dishes. When I shut myself off from the world or oversaturate my time and energy with technology. Where is the love affair with my Lord?

Even reading my own writing now, I think these things because somewhere along the lines, I’ve bought in on the enemy’s lies. I’ve listened to his whispers that tickle my ears and echo into my insecurities. Playing on my pride and need to judge myself. Lord, you would never speak to your child this way. You’ve forgotten my sins, ages ago. At the cross, they died with him. When will I learn, that you love me with an everlasting love? That when you say that I’m your child – you mean it. And that you’ll never leave me or forsake me – it’s a promise that you’ll keep forever. When will I learn? <— even this question is from a place of self-criticism.

I just need to receive right now. I just need to know that despite my brokenness, that you love me. Not just as a passing thought, but as a truth that takes hold of my mind and sinks to the depths of my heart.

Oh Lord, why do I only run to you when I feel like there’s nowhere else to go? I’m the prodigal son – although I don’t even know what prodigal means. Except that it’s my story on repeat. It’s also your love for me on repeat. You’d run out of the house with open arms and welcome me home every time, even if it means letting me go out of love – only to painfully wait for me to return – again, and again, and again. When all you want is for me to stay home with you, I keep running away. I wish it wasn’t like this Lord. I wish things were different. I wish I was different…you stay the same, yesterday, today and forever.

This world is broken, I am broken. But you have overcome the brokenness, and you have made a way in the wilderness, a way for me to know you. To find you and be found. Take me to that place.

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