I think at the very bottom of it all, I want to be loved, valued, cherished, adored. I want to be the apple of someone’s eye. I want that feeling they capture in movies, of falling and being in love – the kind that sweeps you off your feet. But that’s such a temporary, fleeting feeling. (Not that I know from experience, rather from the experience of others).
But how I forget, that I’m captured in the greatest love story ever told. That I’m the apple in God’s eye – not because I’m inherently worthy, quite the opposite. I committed idolatry and adultery against him, betraying him, flirting with the world and rejecting him. But still he chases me relentlessly, and in one single act of love – his one and only son Jesus died for me. Thus he demonstrated the extent of his love, that he would die for sinners like me.
You’d think that after grasping this truth, I would live my happily ever after in loving relationship with the Lord. Overflowing with gratitude and joy, that I can have a friendship again with my Creator, my Father in heaven. Forgiven and washed clean, I live a life of worship. But not so. Somehow I still run away from him, I still turn back to other gods, I still sin against him, reject him, put the crown upon my own head and cling onto “my life” and “my world” as if it belonged to me.
I’m sorry that I’m so unfaithful. That I don’t truly appreciate all that you did for me on the cross, that I forget time and time again. That I don’t realise how much I need you in every moment, that I live as if I’m Lord of my life when you purchased it on the cross. I’m sorry that I live as if the world revolves around me, when all things in heaven and earth have been created by and for you, Jesus. Lord, my heart is so sinful, and pride and selfishness corrupts my soul. I am so far from your ways oh God. But turn this into praise – for you no longer remember my sins, and you have placed upon me the righteous robes of Christ. I enter your presence clean and pure – washed by the blood of Jesus. Help me to fall in love with you – my King, knowing that in you I am intimately loved and cherished as your child.
“Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place—unless you repent.” Revelation 2:4-5
Can you relate?