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Feeling like a fraud.

lonely-beach

Fraud: A person intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities.

I feel like the person you think I am, is not me. I think people see the rosy exterior which-I confess, to some degree, I try to uphold and maintain. Kind, caring, fun, genuine, able… Am I these things? Perhaps, but it reaches a point where it’s just a game of pretend because I think that I need to be in a certain caliber of goodness and excellence as a person in order for you to like and accept me. In order for me to be loved.

But the truth is, I have a resounding sense of being unqualified and unworthy. I know that I’m broken and I will fail those standards that you have for me and that I have for myself – as simple as they sound, I still cannot do it. Maybe I’m the capable and skilled person at work, the leader or the go-getter here and the compassionate friend there. Yes, I try. But there are times where I fail. And maybe you don’t see those times as much, maybe I try and hide it. But neither of those things changes the fact that I do.

So what do I do when I feel like a fraud?

Crumble. Crumble at the feet of Him who freely forgives and justifies us not because of anything we have or haven’t done, but because of what He has done. Jesus Christ took the penalty of a fraud like me when he hung on a cross, bleeding unto his death. And now by his blood, my debt is paid, my shame and guilt is washed away, my sin forgotten. I am made clean and dressed in robes of white.

Yes. People may see an image of me that is shinier, prettier and more ideal than the real me. And part of my role is to confess my brokenness, to show them that I am flawed. But at the end of the day, I’m just relieved that I don’t need to pretend with God. I don’t need to hide my sin. I can just come to him raw and as I am. And He loves me with an everlasting, unfailing, abounding love.

“So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” Hebrews 4:14-16

A nice song called “I Will Look Up” by Elevation Worship 🙂 

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