I had no idea it would be this hard, that it would hurt this much, that surrender to you would make me feel so afraid and unsettled and lost. When I look back to the past- my friends, experiences, joys…I feel a bit like it was a time long lost and past, and that I was a completely different person. I can’t explain how or why, but I just feel so…so…different now. I feel like so many of the bits and pieces that defined who I was are gone now. I feel like the world is gushing around me yet inwardly I am still, and weak, and broken, and you are there, and you are calling me to trust you. I want to. I want to reach out and take your hand…but…
God I’m afraid. I’m scared what that will look like, I’m scared I won’t be strong enough to follow you and do the things you tell me to do, I’m scared that everything will be unfamiliar, and that you’ll take me to unknown places where you’re the only one I know and who knows me, I’m scared that I won’t be able to stand against the lies of satan, I’m scared that the waves of this world will crush me and that I will fall and sin and turn against you. I’m scared to let go of all the people I love. I’m scared of wanting things or relationships…for they can easily be taken from me just as you gave them to me.
Yet…I know that the far scarier thing is to be wise in my own eyes, for this will only lead to destruction. Where could be a safer place than in the shadow of your wings? If my life is now hidden in Christ, there should be no need to fear. Please give me the strength to drink whatever cup you place before me, because somewhere in my heart, I know and believe that you know best, that you are good, trustworthy, faithful, mighty. That you make all things work together for my good, that your love endures forever, that you want to give me fullness of joy, peace, hope and ultimately eternal life-for this was always your will.
There’s no turning back now, I can’t go backwards to my old ways, to my old self, to the ways I used to do things and think with my naivety and care-freeness. I can’t go back because I’ve let go of those former things, joys.
So my question is-what now? Where to from here? I know you will reveal things in your perfect timing, but in the time being-grant me patience and faith to look to and hope for things still unseen. Lord, surrender is lonely. Thankyou that you, of all people, know and can empathise with this. For in the garden of Gethsemane, even your bestest friends left your side, and soon the Father would forsake you. Thankyou that Jesus endured a horrible separation from the Father that I will never have to endure. Thankyou that Jesus bore a loneliness in the grave that I will never know because of your great, great love for me. Thankyou that no matter how alone I feel where you call me to walk, I will never be alone because by the blood of Christ you have poured out your love into my heart so that you are always always with me.