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When being an introverted leader/visionary feels lonely.

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Today was Rally Huddle.

While I wasn’t super involved, I did lead a section of open space. I also ran around like a mad woman capturing moments for our Rally Instastory and helping people put on tattoos for the campaign – that was probably the extent.

While it doesn’t sound like much, it felt quite surreal for some reason. I found myself in super-observing mode and taking in all the social dynamics that I could pick up on. And also tuning in to what God was saying. In this strange detached space of thinking about the group and how to best add to the atmosphere, I think I found myself so zoomed out that I realised at one point that I felt incredibly alone. I felt like I was the only one in this unusual abstract space. Was it my fault for choosing to remove myself and dwell here? Is it part of my introversion and avoiding social interaction? Yet I could feel the spirit of God welling inside me. When I had stepped off the edge of what “normal people may see” – he was with me. Undeniably and gently, comforting and guiding me to see, to listen, to respond.

It is such an indescribable feeling to be used by God, to feel a power that is not your own flow from you, to see things you would not have seen as you ride the wave of his spirit. I think people can see the power of God moving through me too – with their kind encouragements.

Perhaps this weird hybrid reality space that allows me to see certain things – perhaps that’s my place in the body of Christ. It’s beautiful – but also incredibly isolating. It’s so easy to feel like I don’t belong. Why do I think like this? Why do I function like this? Why am I the only person here in this space? The room is so full and there are so many people, yet in my spirit the room might as well be empty.

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