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Standing

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I have this very scary
Unshakeable
Deep feeling
that exactly who I am
is exactly how God wants to break out and reach this generation
More than I know
More than I could even ask or imagine.
.
The more I learn
and see where this world is going
and maybe even what this world needs
the more the spirit stirs within
the call presses on my heart
the less I can hide
or be in denial
and the truth is
I don’t actually want to hide
I don’t actually want to run away
But as soon as I start even considering
stepping out
There is a thick
Heavy wall
Above my head
of fear, anxiety, insecurity and doubt
Everything feeling so unsure
If I am strong enough
If I what I have
and who I am is valuable enough
If I can do it
If it will be worth it
If I should even bother trying
It presses on me
and it pushes me down
and my feet sink deeper into the ground
until my knees bend
and I crumble
and curl up into a ball on the ground
here
again
arrested by defeat
and I cry out
to God
“I can’t do it”
.
I am sick of praying that prayer
I am sick of being squashed again
and again
by that stupid wall
It’s not who I am
This isn’t who I am
.
satan – I know you love this
You love it when you can intervene here
Right before I’ve even tried
Letting layer upon layer
of lies
crush me
one by one
.
But I hear a whisper
and I have this small thought
this tiny belief
that what I have
what I hold in my hands
something in the way I think
and see the world
could help someone
even if it’s just one person
out there
maybe
this message on my heart
could resonate with them
and God could speak to them
through me
Could it be?
This is my hope
this is the whisper
that sometimes escapes my grasp
sometimes slips through my fingers
but sometimes I take hold of it
and choose faith
and somehow
I find myself on my feet
and going
even if my eyes are shut
and I have no idea what the consequences
or result will be
but often
by the time I’ve run a few steps
and look back
I am in awe
For God has laced my steps
with anointing
and where I travelled
he blessed
and breathed life
and impacted people
more than I could’ve imagined
more than my weak expectation could have dreamed
and I’m humbled
for He chose
to use such a weak vessel
as myself
and when I look around
I’m not stuck anymore
The sky is soaring above my head
and I’m in a wide and spacious place
The wind sweeps through my hair
and I can open my arms
Turn
and dance
All of a sudden
I can see the horizon
and I worship
there and then
for my God has granted me freedom
He has blessed my head
and called me by name
.
Beloved
Fear not
for I am with you
Each day you walk this earth
I will walk with you
and talk with you
Not a day will pass
that my love will not uphold you
spirit guide you
favour rest upon you
daughter of Jerusalem
Eternity awaits you
.
#WeLookUp

 

 

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