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Sabbath year

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The Lord has blessed me with a sabbath year.

A year to heal
to recover
to rest.
to fall in love,
to learn to connect again
to unravel the beauty of friendship
and community
strengthening the muscle of reaching out
engaging
emerging
from that well-worn and well-loved shell of mine
not putting anything too heavy on me
that I might let go of what was
let them fall
like the autumn leaves

To rediscover what it means for me
to look up with child-like wonder
to hide in his presence
to pray
to read his word
hear his voice
and walk in his spirit
to commune with my creator
and worship
as I sing, write, create
from my spirit
letting a world unseen
flow through me
to the tip of my tongue
to be released into the world that is

To learn again my finite-ness
my limits
my need for knowing my needs
and embracing them
not as something to deny
run away from
or be embarrassed about
but as humble reminders
for a living that was designed
to deeply rest in Him

And more recently
To hear once more his call
afresh
deep deep down in my spirit
but this time it is now
I cannot leave it aside any longer
The spirit is moving
Not just the spirit out there
but the spirit within
He lives as I live
And though I wage war within myself
He must win
I must bend my knee to my king

He paints a picture
of a vision too beautiful for me
too wonderful for words
too mysterious to grasp
too complex to explain
how can I pursue a mystery
if I cannot even perceive it?
But I can
and I do
pieces
glimpses
whispers
and that is all I am given for now
and that is enough for me to walk
that should be enough for me to walk
but I am afraid
I am so so timid
It feels like I’ve only known the way of timidity my whole life
The enemy’s voice is so convincing
too convincing
it has become my voice

He is there
in the places you must go
in the people you must meet
in the things you must do
He is there
why do I doubt?
why am I so afraid?
must I?

Yet this year has not passed to make me shrink back
business as usual
He has stirred something too deep
He has changed something
There is something new
She feels unfamiliar
foreign even
She is strong
stronger than I feel comfortable
bolder than I want to believe
and she is standing
she has been waiting
I’ve held her back too long
Her gaze is steadfast
on something in the distance
He is calling
and she will walk

 

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