I come before you broken and lost and weak and hungry and confused and a fool and a sinner and ashamed and weary and burdened and tired and exhausted and at a loss. Where have you been oh Lord? I have missed your loving embrace, I have tried (with what little strength I have) to lift my eyes a little to you, but was met by silence. Thus I continued to lie, broken and estranged from you by the side of the road, on the wide road that leads to destruction. Tossed and pushed forward by the currents of this world, edging closer and closer to the grave and rotting away in my sin. Accused by satan and choked by guilt and shame. I no longer wanted the light, darkness was my closer friend. I could not bear to think of you who is holy and perfect and light and almighty. I wanted only to remain cut off from you-you were too majestic, I felt too hopeless, I felt more than halfway towards the darkness, my strength gone, how could I possibly seek you, to stand, to run in the opposite direction? God you know that I am but a breath-how can I love you when my heart is a stone?
The chains of sin and shame were shackled around me again…I was a slave again, I had forgotten your everlasting love. I had forgotten how you had set me free, I had forgotten your goodness. In my mind, satan had showed me only darkness and cold and alienation. I was convinced I was lost forever. I would read of your ‘unfailing love’, the psalms that commanded me to praise you were but a stumbling block describing a joy I did not have.
Oh Lord how I have forgotten!
· Your will is not for me to be downcast, but to be filled with joy
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10
I am not under the law, my failures and incompetence do not stand in the way anymore, because I stand in your grace
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2
It is not your will to be far from me, for us to be apart, but to be completely and intimately reconciled and present with me
“The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”). Matthew:1:23
“And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.” Romans 8:11
Finally, you have heard and answered my plea:
“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” Psalm 51:12
God I cannot and do not want to live without you by my side. I need you to fill me to the brim with your love and joy until I am overflowing-until your love is flooding into everything I do and say. If you do not, I will merely wonder aimlessly around this earth, wasting these days of precious life and cold and miserable, utterly empty and inclined to turn back towards my sinful ways. Give me your grace and word and power to obey, to follow, to learn to love. All I can do is ask this of you-I can do nothing else. Oh Lord please give me your grace, I have nothing.